Few foods are as breathtakingly as awesome as cereal. As a child it was my breakfast each morning before school, and as an adult it is usually the last thing I eat before I go to bed. It is a meal so easy to prepare that it perfectly meets the needs of lazy, impatient Americans who would rather have bad food fast then good food that they have to wait for.
But what are the very best cereals in all of existence. Man has asked this for millennia and only now do we have the answer.
Using advance scientific process beyond the comprehension of normal human minds, me and my crack team of researchers have discovered, objectively, the ten greatest cereals of all time.
Number 10, Frosted Flakes: A cereal sold by a tiger who just tells us, They’re great… Ya it’s a shitty tag line, but are you going to argue with a fucking tiger? Roy Horn of Siegfried & Roy dissed tony and look what happened to him (really go look it up if you don’t know who this is lol) If a tiger offers you some breakfast cereal, you eat the damn breakfast cereal, I don’t care if you are lactose intolerant, you EAT the cereal.
Number 9: Pops, they get soggy to damn fast, which means you have to learn to eat them quickly. This teaches kids to go with the gusto and seize life, live your life before it gets soggy. Pops invites us to examine the ephemeral nature of truth and hope. Rarely does a breakfast cereal have the courage to challenge its eaters in such a profound manner.
Number 8: Golden Grams, Gram Crackers tend to suck as so you would think that any cereal based on them would suck equal amounts of ass, but you’d be wrong, this is almost like making a cereal called broccoli flakes taste good. Golden Grams deserves it spot simply for making gram crackers bearable.
Number 7 Honey Nut Cheerios, a bee is trying to sell you his sticky bee vomit in the form of little rings…. Do you deny the awesomess of this?
Number 6: Lucky Charms, This cereal is so good that kids chase an annoying Irish midget and harass him for it. It’s one of the few cereals that gives up all pretenses of healthiness and just puts fucking marshmallows in the cereal… marshmallows? They don’t look, feel or taste like marshmallows, they look, feel and taste like compress melted sugar that has been dried in the sun for a several months
Number 5: Cinnamon toast crunch, Cinnamon toast Crunch used to be made by three chefs (the box used to have 3) Then there was only one chef, I think he ate the other two…the cereal is bad ass though, the only real problem with it is it ruins the milk.
Number 4 Cocoa Krispies: Snap, Crackle, pop, suuuure. But instead of that bland and tasteless rice Krispies bullshit you get a mouth full of chocolate, a cereal that talks and tastes good, that my friends is win of an epic variety.
Number 3 Fruity Pebbles, This is like the LSD of cereals, it confuses you by confronting you with too many colors and flavors all at once. It’s a sublime rape of your soul. And just to mind fuck you even harder, it’s peddled by the Flintstones. They have nothing to do with it really, there are no dinosaur shapes or anything, it’s just called pebbles which is the name of Fred’s daughter, soooo you are eating Fred’s daughter, and she’s fruity…. This cereal is a fucking trip
Number 2: Peanut butter Crunch, it’s the color of fetus, ‘nough said….
And the number one cereal of all time is: Count Chocula
Most cereals choose a cute mascot, like a toucan or a leprechaun or a little froggy. Count Chocula is a fucking vampire, he drinks human blood. Plus this cereal has marshmallows like lucky charms and its fucking chocolate, it’s like eating pure sugar, it’s barely even a cereal, and once again the mascot is a fucking vampire, does it give anymore bad ass than that? No, no it does not.
The End
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QMlJw6nMIc
No comments:
Post a Comment